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Two rants and an "awww, sweet" for the price of one here, folks.
In a recent comment on someone's journal, I bemoaned the lack of "good letters" to describe certain types of poly relationships.
To explain that, most poly folks who talk about a group of 3 people where Alice is dating Bill and Chad, but Bill is not dating Chad, as a "V" (three points connected by two sexual-relationship lines). V's are probably the most common, but there are also N's (Ann dates Ben, Ben dates Cindy, Cindy also dates Danielle) and a few other letters.
It's extremely convenient to say "I'm the point of a V with Bill and Chad" and make everything crystal clear. However, there is no easy way to say "I'm in a Y with Bill, Chad, and Dominic" or even "I'm in a K with Bill, Chad, Dominic, and Ethan." (Those, by the way, are my preferred letters for one-person-dating-three and one-person-dating-four relationships.)
Some ignoramus posts a reply to my comment and basically suggests that I search the polyamory sites on the intertubes for these letters. It made my head go sproing to think that this person apparently didn't realize that they were already on the fabled intertubes and that perhaps they were talking to an ACTUAL POLY person who has just as much ability as any other poly person to invent necessary terminology (and who perhaps has read many of these sites and even posted on some of them), and who maybe finds it humorous to be referred to the polygestaltwankfest* that in some places passes for a poly community since my own ability to make up SINGLE LETTERS is apparently in doubt.
*for the record, if someone better than me at German can make this word into real German, I would be like totally forever in their debt, with optional toe-sucking.
But! Continuing onward bravely, my dear friends!
Interlude, quoted from Markincolorado's (link) OKCupid journal:
He's written several posts about the extremely sex-focused nature of lots of folks in the gay community, and how the focus on sexuality among strangers is extremely disturbing to him. Lately he's been hopeful that perhaps if people who aren't comfortable with that can come out and say so, that maybe a little respect might start to happen.
Send this to everyone you know who is single, alone, lonely – and also to those who are not – telling them that real human needs are what is important, not the reckless catering to the lowest common sexual denominator.
Stand up with defiance and do not accept how others tell you how to love - you know what love is - love is patient, kind, its about acceptance, sincere communication, respect, honesty, gentleness, compassion, support, tenderness, fairness, empathy, humility, integrity, fidelity, trust, a desire for peace, and equality. None of these things have anything to do with sex, they all have to do with CHARACTER.
I see a lot of people who say that we need to be more sex-positive. I am all for this. Sex is a great thing and it's not inherently evil, wrong, or dirty in a moral sense.
However, I think some folks protest far, far too much about how they are so sex-positive, that they end up being very negative and hurtful to anyone who is not interested in sex right that very second. For them, and for all of us, I hereby present the following additive option:
I invite you to join me in being prude-positive.
The rules of prude-positiveness are as follows:
1. You are allowed to choose not to have sex for as long as you are comfortable with that. Not wanting sex is not a physical or mental illness (although in people for whom it is not usual, it can be a sign of other problems). No one should call you crazy or frigid for how you are.
3. You are allowed to speak up about your choice in any environment where others speak about their sexual choices. You deserve to be listened to as fairly as they are, and not judged as "spoiling the fun" of others. (If they can't handle people who don't want sex, maybe they aren't as secure in their own desires as they think.)
4. You are allowed to speak about sometimes not wanting sex, without being judged and interrogated about your previous sexual experiences with an eye to "fixing" you. Not everyone who finds themselves not wanting sex for a week got that way by being beaten or raped or molested, some are just naturally not interested sometimes.
5. You are allowed to not want to talk about or think about or have sex due to the circumstances, without being judged as "not that sexual" or "inhibited."
6. And you are allowed to want sex, too, just as much as any person who never says no or shuts up about sex. No one should judge the depths of your committment to carnality except you.
In a recent comment on someone's journal, I bemoaned the lack of "good letters" to describe certain types of poly relationships.
To explain that, most poly folks who talk about a group of 3 people where Alice is dating Bill and Chad, but Bill is not dating Chad, as a "V" (three points connected by two sexual-relationship lines). V's are probably the most common, but there are also N's (Ann dates Ben, Ben dates Cindy, Cindy also dates Danielle) and a few other letters.
It's extremely convenient to say "I'm the point of a V with Bill and Chad" and make everything crystal clear. However, there is no easy way to say "I'm in a Y with Bill, Chad, and Dominic" or even "I'm in a K with Bill, Chad, Dominic, and Ethan." (Those, by the way, are my preferred letters for one-person-dating-three and one-person-dating-four relationships.)
Some ignoramus posts a reply to my comment and basically suggests that I search the polyamory sites on the intertubes for these letters. It made my head go sproing to think that this person apparently didn't realize that they were already on the fabled intertubes and that perhaps they were talking to an ACTUAL POLY person who has just as much ability as any other poly person to invent necessary terminology (and who perhaps has read many of these sites and even posted on some of them), and who maybe finds it humorous to be referred to the polygestaltwankfest* that in some places passes for a poly community since my own ability to make up SINGLE LETTERS is apparently in doubt.
*for the record, if someone better than me at German can make this word into real German, I would be like totally forever in their debt, with optional toe-sucking.
But! Continuing onward bravely, my dear friends!
Interlude, quoted from Markincolorado's (link) OKCupid journal:
He's written several posts about the extremely sex-focused nature of lots of folks in the gay community, and how the focus on sexuality among strangers is extremely disturbing to him. Lately he's been hopeful that perhaps if people who aren't comfortable with that can come out and say so, that maybe a little respect might start to happen.
Send this to everyone you know who is single, alone, lonely – and also to those who are not – telling them that real human needs are what is important, not the reckless catering to the lowest common sexual denominator.
Stand up with defiance and do not accept how others tell you how to love - you know what love is - love is patient, kind, its about acceptance, sincere communication, respect, honesty, gentleness, compassion, support, tenderness, fairness, empathy, humility, integrity, fidelity, trust, a desire for peace, and equality. None of these things have anything to do with sex, they all have to do with CHARACTER.
I see a lot of people who say that we need to be more sex-positive. I am all for this. Sex is a great thing and it's not inherently evil, wrong, or dirty in a moral sense.
However, I think some folks protest far, far too much about how they are so sex-positive, that they end up being very negative and hurtful to anyone who is not interested in sex right that very second. For them, and for all of us, I hereby present the following additive option:
I invite you to join me in being prude-positive.
The rules of prude-positiveness are as follows:
1. You are allowed to choose not to have sex for as long as you are comfortable with that. Not wanting sex is not a physical or mental illness (although in people for whom it is not usual, it can be a sign of other problems). No one should call you crazy or frigid for how you are.
3. You are allowed to speak up about your choice in any environment where others speak about their sexual choices. You deserve to be listened to as fairly as they are, and not judged as "spoiling the fun" of others. (If they can't handle people who don't want sex, maybe they aren't as secure in their own desires as they think.)
4. You are allowed to speak about sometimes not wanting sex, without being judged and interrogated about your previous sexual experiences with an eye to "fixing" you. Not everyone who finds themselves not wanting sex for a week got that way by being beaten or raped or molested, some are just naturally not interested sometimes.
5. You are allowed to not want to talk about or think about or have sex due to the circumstances, without being judged as "not that sexual" or "inhibited."
6. And you are allowed to want sex, too, just as much as any person who never says no or shuts up about sex. No one should judge the depths of your committment to carnality except you.
