corrvin: bicolor cat, text "I would like an army of killer robots with laserbeams" (Chisa)
Had my first mammogram Friday. Not as weird as expected, though as usual I managed to get the shortest technician in the building (she was slightly taller than my boobs, but only slightly).

First general physical of my adult life is tomorrow. I'm rounding up all my family history, which is pretty much the litany of the dead, plus my parents' current health. Gonna have a brief chat about being healthy and staying that way.

We are at T+25 days post-hysto and things are going well. The incisions are now small red blotchy things, mostly just staple-puncture red dots that make it look like I was bitten by very tiny vampires. (two up, two down) I'm still occasionally twingey as things heal, but that's all right. I verrrrry carefully lifted the 25 pound bag of cat litter and nothing bad happened, other than hitting my forehead lightly on the trunk lid because it sagged in the rain. I've done a tiny shuffly-jog brief run (20-30 seconds) and felt okay after. I'm waiting on my final check/stitch removal (6/20) before I really start the slow ramp upward to the new normal.

Also importantly, I have both coughed and sneezed without that unpleasant feeling down below which I had pre-surgery. I guess I did need that fixed. Thanks doc!
corrvin: "this space intentionally not left blank" (Default)
In good news, I got my staples out today! Super excited, they were itchy.

I am not ready to resume running. Still being randomly hit with nap attacks, just doing my daily walk is putting me to sleep by sundown.

Cut for discussion of post-hysterectomy SEX )

I feel so much better now. So much. Recovery will be a breeze from here on out.
corrvin: gray cat lying on the floor, text "I'll get right on that" (right on that)
Brief recap of events )

As of now, 3 days after surgery, the incisions are closed, with just little pink lines where the cuts were. I have an appointment 2 weeks post-op (on 5/23, my half-birthday!) to have the stitches out and everything evaluated. I should be found to be generally in good health at this point, and hopefully he'll clear me to resume running? If not, there will be another appointment in late June to remove the last of the restrictions on me, notably lifting things over 5 pounds, and clearing me to have things in my vagina if I want to. And running. RUNNING. I miss it so much right now.

Currently I'm on an estrogen patch at a low dosage. I'll discuss with my doctor at the next appointment where we're going with that-- I don't expect to be on estrogen forever, but I'd like to stay on it for six months (until cooler weather) in case of hot flashes.

I feel good. This was the right thing to do. I feel like myself.
corrvin: a Courier daisy wheel text "definitely my type" (my type)
I arrived at the hospital this morning hungry, thirsty, tired, and cramping.

Everything has been fixed.

Surgery went well. No cancer, just stupid misbehaving parts.

Woke up in a bit of pain, have an on-demand pain button thing, used it a couple times for the walks around (kinda hurty). Haven't had any pain above a 3-4. NONE of that pain has been cramps. I'm so happy I could cry except that'd hurt.

Slept off and on most of the day. Ate delicious grapes, had some juice, some soup. Drank a lot of water.

Minor annoyances: oxygen monitor on finger, IV in arm, catheter, oxygen in nose. All going away in the morning.
corrvin: MSPaint drawing of my house (house)
So, in a little less than 15 hours, I will be in the operating room, removing two unhappy lemons, a small angry hedgehog, and the button that connects it to the downspout.

I have had a good time connecting with people like me-- had lots of good advice-- and I'm nearly packed and ready for the early morning trip. I have a load of laundry going with my fancy socks and the shirts that look decent without a bra (because bra? NO! according to my inner angry toddler).

I think what makes me the happiest about this is that I'm gonna have a body that matches my inner-self-body a little bit more. It's kinda like gender affirmation surgery, except that in my case it's affirmation of myself as a person who doesn't have to be in pain, doesn't have to dread pain, doesn't have to live a life around preparing for and trying to avoid pain.

And yeah, sexually active (maybe?) but 100% permanently infertile and missing a couple of parts? That suits my identity just fine.
corrvin: "this space intentionally not left blank" (Default)
cut for medical discussion )

TL;DR: Had a bad time for a little while but the day as a whole was all right. Going back Wednesday for the rest of this stuff to get finished up.
corrvin: black kitten on a stairstep, text "it's a step" (step)
"It's possible that Bad Thing A could happen. If so, then I believe Reaction B would be appropriate. In order for that to be helpful, I'd need Item C, therefore, just in case, I'll make sure I know where that is."

"Gosh, why do you worry so much."

Because there isn't anyone else I can trust to wrangle these things for me, that's why. Because if A happens and I'm not ready to B and don't have C, then it's going to suck and at that point there won't be anything I can do about it.

Seriously, why am I getting told to "stop worrying" when I try to be prepared for things? I'm the person who carries a water bottle and peppermints and ibuprofen, but everyone is always like "I'm thirsty, I have a cough, my head hurts" and suddenly those things make it better. But next time, I'm STILL the only person carrying a water bottle out to the car for the road trip. (I have wicked fantasies of "Oh, you're thirsty? Why don't you bring your own drink?")

Speaking of thirsty, I'd better tank down this water before midnight. Yeah, the most current rec is that water is okay up to 2 hours before the procedure, but these folks are old-school "NPO at midnight" and I think this'll work fine. Just want them to be able to find a vein in the morning.
corrvin: bicolor cat, text "I would like an army of killer robots with laserbeams" (Chisa)
In my everyday life, I come from the island of "Having a penis doesn't mean you have to be a boy, and having a vulva doesn't mean you have to be a girl. You get to decide if you're a he, a she, or a they."

And here I am somehow on the cruise ship of "You are still a fantastically feminine woman1 who is having her uterus removed."

I don't know how I got here, I don't know how to get back, and oh my fuck am I seasick.


----
1No I am fucking well not. Nor am I anyone's sister.
corrvin: "this space intentionally not left blank" (Default)
To catch y'all up on the past month...

cut for medical discussion and menstrual stuff and maybe some triggery scary stuff and gender things, also tons o'rambling )

I think, when this is all done, I'd gonna be the most amazing runner I could possibly be.

And I think I'm gonna need therapy, if I can't manage all this on my own. I'm doing okay as a coping-grownup, but if I get into more trouble than I can handle, there's no shame in asking a professional for help.
corrvin: MSPaint drawing of my house (house)
A friend of mine asked why I'm being absolutely obsessed with the weather this week, the projections and the TOR:CON and the forecast, for things that haven't even happened and won't happen for a couple of days.

Because if you wait for the tornado warning, you're too late to do everything you could to survive.

And because if anything happens to you, and you could POSSIBLY have prevented it, local opinion will eat you alive (because nothing victim-blames like people who were randomly spared by a catastrophe). Case in point, this week during a tornado a woman drowned in her storm shelter. (Link to story here) Comments ranged from "you shouldn't say it was a storm shelter" (what? it was a cellar... underground... the kind of place we tell people to get to) to "anyone who lives in certain areas deserves what they get, storms hit there all the time." (It may be true that storms hit some areas more than others, but that's very tacky to say about someone who just died.)

But even leaving local opinion aside, there are plenty of situations where a little preparedness could save your life, your health, your pets, or your ability to cope with the aftermath of the storm.

And now, I'm off to clean out the closet. Yeah, I'm a little obsessed, because I want us to do the best we can, and previously we've failed at "get dressed and downstairs in 5 minutes or less" drills. (I sleep pretty deeply sometimes, and especially if it's dark and rainy... mmm... which is perfect tornado weather.)

Link roundup:
NOAA's explanation of the Fujita scale of strength
Tornado History Project maps of all tornadoes in the county I live in
Wikipedia article on the 1999 Moore tornado including a picture of the radar 'hook'
Tornado safety (well, 'safer') instructions
2013 Moore tornado overhead images with before-and-after sliders
corrvin: MSPaint drawing of my house (house)
(Paar paar= the noise that happy cats make.)
Totally disjointed list of stuff:

Last week I did very well and got three bags of trash down the stairs and into the big can before the trash truck came. This week, not so well at that. But it's okay. Progress is progress.

So far, I am 10 months into the year's experiment of wearing one pair of shoes (plus one for running in). Not searching for shoes or feeling like I ought to be doing something to rotate shoes has made me unreasonably contented. I do think I would like a third pair-- regular shoes, running shoes, and flip-flops. (Preferably, actually, the kind that don't have a toe wedgie bit, so I can wear socks in the winter. I AM TERRIBLE at fashion. I love Birks and hand-knitted socks. Plus, in the rain, just strip them off inside and let dry, instead of squodging around in wet shoes all day.)

There is an Ingress anomaly here in town in a month! Uh, for those who don't Ingress-- it's a social game that requires GPS and a smartphone and a data plan. It's like capture the flag, and connect the dots, and it takes about an hour to learn to do really well and is very neat for late-night socialing and meeting new people and finding new places and seeing fun stuff. An anomaly is a big event with about 500 people running around downtown playing as teams instead of solo, and actually can change the storyline of the game. We went to one in Tulsa and had a fantastic time, and amazingly there is another one coming here to my town in November!

I have got to get in better shape. The 4 hours of walking in Tulsa was completely exhausting. I have a month to get it more together; I think I can start by going for a run today.

Other plans today:
Go to the yarn store and buy a spare shuttle for my loom. Show off my fancy-ass scarf I wove.
Bake some bread.
Make chicken sausage pasta, or chicken sausage rice. Not sure which I want.
Do laundry.

Also, we had some friends over yesterday including a 4 year old (human). Grim likes people, and he's mostly convinced that children are people, but sometimes they get noisy and he retreats a bit. He did really well yesterday, but ran out of cope and had to lie down on the couch for a half hour. (Uh... Grim is a cat, in case that is not completely clear.) We're having more people over Thursday and I look forward to seeing what he thinks of them.

I still miss my Geeg and get that lump in the throat and have to blink a while, but it's been several days since a full-out sobbing fit. I'm pretty okay with that.
corrvin: gray cat lying on the floor, text "I'll get right on that" (right on that)
So it's been the summer for it-- two of my co-workers had their elderly cats die, and another friend posted on Facebook that his cat went this morning. Every one pulls a little bit at my heart because losing Eldest Son Cat is still so raw. I haven't cried this much in years.

Young Spotted Cat Grim is learning how to be #1 spotted cat. He hasn't mastered the cuddle or the upside-down-kitty, but he does come to snuggle in the bed and he talks to me a lot. The other day a co-worker was over and had his 5 year old daughter, and Grim just lit up and followed her around to be petted. That's what I love to see!

I've actually had a lot of fun this month-- we went to an event in Tulsa for Ingress, I did some sewing and some knitting and a lot of baking (and got pretty good at bread). We've had people over, and been all sociable. All of which is good for me.

But damn if I'm not still, in some corner of my heart, all busted-up broken about my boy. I mean, I knew life was going to be a continuing succession of loved ones dying, and I've been right so far, but I didn't expect it to hurt so much and for so long. It's still clean grief-- I mean, it's not festering, it's not awful. Just aching-sad. It's healing over slowly and from the inside out, like it should. But it still hurts, and I think it's going to be tender there for a long time, if not the rest of my life.

(When I am old and dying, I believe I want to thoroughly confuse my nurses and loved ones by demanding to be brought a spotted kitten, that I might snoogle it for the next generation. You know, as old men plant trees they'll never sit under...)
corrvin: black kitten on a stairstep, text "it's a step" (step)
End of life update for Eldest Cat )

I've had a half-dozen likes since I posted that. I'm crying and covered in snot and my eyes are throbbing (I'm not a good cryer) but I really do feel loved. And like my friends are cheering us on, that we can make it this last little bit together.

And we will.

Edit: Saturday morning:
We did make it. He was so tired this morning that it broke my heart to pick him up. But he made it through with no pain and no fear.
corrvin: a Courier daisy wheel text "definitely my type" (my type)
(Earlier this week, my partner Raven's dad passed away.)

Me: I'm going to the store, do you need anything?

Raven: I need... some sour cream. (very serious look) My dad passed away... and... I think... he would have wanted me to have it.

Me: How long are you going to ask for things that way?

Raven: About six months?

Me: Sounds fair.
corrvin: MSPaint drawing of my house (house)
Father out law passed today just before noon, peacefully. His son was there, and his sister (and brother-in-law) and daughter arrived just after.

I don't know what goes on in the last hours of someone's life-- I believe there is something that we do, some internal processing, some spiritual work maybe, that makes us ready for the end. Whether or not we're aware of who's with us at the end, surely they are aware of us, and it may be that something that the dying do is helpful to the rest of us as we go on.

I don't know, and hope not to find out for a few years yet.
corrvin: MSPaint drawing of my house (house)
Father-out-law still ill. But the hills are getting lower and lower, and pretty soon it's going to be time to get off the ride.

Things are under control. Mostly. For now. I think we'll run out of events before we run out of cope.
corrvin: A white-dressed figure talking to a red horned figure (desert)
Father-out-law (my partner's father) is very ill.

I... I think I have this under control. I think. We'll see how I feel at the end of this ride.
corrvin: "this space intentionally not left blank" (Default)
I'm celebrating the one night a year that it's always better to be night shift. Yay! And I'll be off an hour earlier than usual!
corrvin: gray cat lying on the floor, text "I'll get right on that" (right on that)
I got some good news at work, about a possible schedule change. It's not definite and I have to wait on approval, but this is something I've really wanted for a long time.

I should know within 3-4 weeks.

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