corrvin | I promise there is no poetry behind this cut.

excerpted from a longer, private entry.

...for a lot of other reasons... I bitched [her] out afterwards. I said I was angry. I explained why it was inconsistent and unfair. I explained that I felt cheated, and that I was really upset.

I think I made her feel bad.

The really bad part is, I really hope I did. How can I want so badly to make someone else feel bad, just because I do?

I hate people and their friends, sometimes. I hate them because they always have someone at their back, they always have the majority, whether they're in the right or not. I hate that I don't stand a chance in the clique-democracy, whether I'm on the side of truth or not.

I hate feeling picked on. I hate being insulted by people who will claim it's "just teasing!" and that they do the same with their friends. Maybe their friends like to be called those things but I don't-- and anyone who wants to be my friend won't start out by acting like that. People think that because THEY think they're my friends, they can say mean things and if I get hurt, then it's a joke and I'm being oversensitive. In my version of the world, friends don't say mean things to each other. They say things that may sound mean, but they're not because both of them understand it.

I hate defending myself against the world all the time. I hate being slow to forgive. Every single time I have to wonder "was that really an honest mistake or were they deliberately slighting me for their friends" it makes me sick with myself just for suspecting it.

And it makes me hate them when I'm right. Harder to believe the best next time. I hate myself for expecting people to be perfect all the time, for being angry when they don't do what they should, for being judgemental when that's not my job, when it should be between them and God, not between them and me.

I'm not entirely happy with myself, and I'm still overworked and stressed, but I think most of the mood has passed and the rest will with some prayer and calming down.