Seasonal depression.

[corrvin]

I think I've talked before about why some people get really, terribly upset when things happen to children, whether that be a traumatic injury or simply the child announcing that they aren't who you thought they would grow up to be. It's because we have, in our heads, these dreams and fantasies, starting when they're only babies. My ex-husband's parents gave him his name because he was a big baby and they thought it would be a good name if he grew up to be a football player-- he did, mind you, but he was the smallest running back in the history of the school, as a 4'6" freshman.

So, why do we get so cranky around Christmas? Because we have these dreams about "what Christmas should be like." We dream about family feasts, laughter and fun together, people being pleasant to each other even if they don't get along so well the rest of the year. We dream about giving each other carefully chosen presents, maybe even handmade ones, to remind each other how much we care during the time we're apart.

And what actually happens? Bills hit, bad weather smacks us around, and we end up spending the extra money we'd saved on brakes for the car and paperwork for the child support office, getting certified copies of paperwork express-mailed. For some of us, we even get the final stab in the back when our family members pass away, so we're crying when it seems the rest of the world is cantankerously enforcing holiday glee.

So I have a holiday wish.

Let us remember that Joseph didn't say "Oh, all you have is a stable? Well, I'm going to keep dragging my wife through town looking for something better while she has labor pains." He took what was available and sufficient. If you have enough to eat, if you have warm clothes to wear, if you can see or talk to your family, rejoice! Don't feel bad because you can't afford gifts as nice as someone else; spend your time and money wisely and people will enjoy whatever you give because they'll know you didn't bankrupt yourself or make yourself sick working to get it.

Kiddo will get at least two presents from me and one from her dad, and I'm sure she will get presents from her grandparents (both sets) and three sets of great-grandparents. Everyone else will get what I can spare them, whether that's something handmade while I was thinking of them, or a card and a hug. I'm going to see my family when I can and be grateful that I can see them at all.

And I'm not going to let financial problems spoil my Christmas. We have food and we have warm clothes and we have each other, and I am determined to be thankful and happy for that. The only thing I need to figure out is how to be happy just by determining to be!

In a few hours, I'm going to get dressed and go sit with my Granny while my Granddaddy has surgery, and I'm going to think up a way to put up the tree without crying. This was my Grandma B's favorite time of year, and I miss her so much.