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I'm supposed to be cleaning the house for Army Boy to come over tomorrow (squee!) but I'm avoiding it.
Some things I've been thinking about lately:
1. Emotional issues. I desperately need to hear a lot more of "This isn't your fault. You haven't done something wrong." Maybe what happened is because of me, or something about me, but it's not because I'm a bad person or did a bad thing. I need to hear that and I need to get good enough to tell it to myself.
I played WoW with my guild last night and had an absolutely rotten time. The only thing that kept me there was that I had asked for what we did, and I knew if I rejected the opportunity to do it, that I wouldn't be taken seriously the next time I asked. So I stayed.
Anyways, in brief, there are four main rewards for doing instanced dungeons in WoW: experience, loot, quest completion, and fun. During the course of the evening, things shifted around so that I wasn't getting experience or getting to finish my quests, someone else in the guild ninjaed the item of armor I was practically promised (i.e. I was told "we're taking you here to get you some armor"), and I spent a lot of my own money for items that benefitted other people and wasn't even thanked. That wasn't actually the kicker, though.
The kicker was this. My guild uses TeamSpeak, a program that lets you voice chat. Almost everyone in the guild uses TS, and those who don't have a microphone will type their comments in the guild chat. However, if you're not able to hear TS, then you're not welcome in the conversation. So, during the entire event last night, everyone else was having a great time telling jokes and laughing, and even typing comments back and forth in guild chat-- but I got ignored even when I asked questions that I needed answers to (i.e. can I press "need" for this item? I actually do need it to make armor with), or they would SAY the answers in TS, where I couldn't hear them and Raven had to repeat what they said.
I've been trying really hard to cut the guild leader some slack, but when he's typing "raid broadcasts" that flash across the middle of the screen with jokes about how he's screwing my boyfriend, and that makes him too busy to answer my questions, it really makes me feel like a second-class citizen.
I guess I'm mad about that joke, too. It's one thing to joke with me about borrowing my guys, but it's quite another if you're mock-flirting with them and pretending I don't exist.
Anyways, the rundown: I didn't do anything wrong. What happened was BECAUSE of me-- because I can't hear very well-- but not hearing well is not something that I did that's bad, and I don't "deserve to be punished" for it. It may have been an oversight on the part of everyone else, too.
Where's the line on that, really? I feel like I go on and on about not being able to hear clearly, to the point that my anti-whining self-filter goes on-- but some people still don't know. I try to be matter of fact about it, but damn, it sounds like whining sometimes, or even nagging. It doesn't always interfere with my life; I can still have phonecalls with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dda for instance, but it's frustrating to have to ask him to repeat all the time, or end the conversation with sharp pain in my ear because I've been unconsciously squishing the phone closer and closer because I can't turn it up any louder.
I wonder if there's a way to get a louder phone and test it out before I buy it.
What do you do when you've asked someone to help you compensate for something you can't do, and they blithely ignore it? How do you NOT think "what an insensitive asshole, I hope something awful happens to them and people don't help them so they'll understand and be SORRY!" I mean, really, how do you NOT think that?
Anyways, continuing the waa-theme, I've been thinking about the kiddo and homeschooling and that big topic that's coming up. I mean, puberty. We've covered some of the basics of the body, and modesty, and things like that, but...
Okay, backing up. I love my mother, I love her dearly, and I have faith that she did the best she knew how to do with me.
That said, I don't want to teach the kiddo the way my mom did. My mom waited for changes to start happening in my body and then explained them as they happened. That sounds okay, but I was a very quiet, private child and it meant that I had body hair for several months before my parents noticed-- and, of course, since they didn't notice it, I had no way of dealing with it other than to put on more clothes and hide it. Same thing for my chest-- I actually went to my mom and demanded a bra in 7th grade, because they were doing the scoliosis checks at school and that meant you had to pull your shirt up, and any girl without a bra was going to be teased forevermore. Of course, again, by the time my mom took me bra shopping, I was well out of the training bra range. She just hadn't noticed, again.
Fortunately, clues were had all around, and my mom explained the whole period thing to me and put the supplies where I could get to them (my parents and I had separate bathrooms and I wasn't allowed in their bedroom or bathroom), so when I woke up sick and cramping one morning, I could take something for it, get cleaned up, and tell her about it when she woke up. I wasn't happy about getting my period, but I was extremely glad that I finally had a tiny bit of control over my body.
The few times at home that I was up puking sick with cramps, my dad came down and sat with me. I suspect, but don't know, that he left the "explaining things" job up to my mom because I was a girl. I wonder why we have this whole culture where we expect girls to be too embarrassed to talk to their fathers (who, after all, slept with a woman who had periods at least once) but okay with talking to their mothers. I think all it does is spread the unconscious assumption that men don't know jack about periods.
Sometimes, I don't know how people manage to be friends with their parents; mine did such a brilliant job, and in some ways I'm still angry and upset with them for the few incidents in which we got upset at each other, or they took away something I desperately wanted, or they refused to allow me any dignity. I didn't want to be the one opening conversations with my parents about what my body was doing (really! I was raised in a non-nudist household; I've never seen my mother or father naked, and they haven't seen me naked since they stopped bathing me-- I learned that bodies are private), I wanted them to tell me "hey, this happens to everyone, here's some deodorant and razors" instead of making me feel like a freak for growing hair and smelling of sweat, because no one ever explained that it was going to happen, or when, or what to do about it.
So, yeah, my daughter's not going to be allowed to do certain things until I think the time is right. Those things will probably include wearing makeup and bikinis in public, and dating, and driving the car. On the other hand, she's going to grow up whether I ALLOW it or not-- and if I fail to recognize that, then I'm failing to allow her to pass through the big change of puberty-- the change where, instead of being a child whose parents care for your body, your parents help you care for your own body.
What I really want to do is two things. I want her to know what's going to happen to her body BEFORE it happens. This means that we'll be starting some lessons this summer, instead of waiting three years, or until she decides to share with me that her armpits have hair. Second, I want her to have a little bit of autonomy with regard to that-- I think I'm going to get her one of those neat bathroom case things, or a little fancy box, and give it to her for her own stuff. She shouldn't have to use the same kind of deodorant I do, or razors, and I'm not actually entirely sure that the cups I use are sized for small teenaged girls. We'll work that out when we get to it, though.
Some things I've been thinking about lately:
1. Emotional issues. I desperately need to hear a lot more of "This isn't your fault. You haven't done something wrong." Maybe what happened is because of me, or something about me, but it's not because I'm a bad person or did a bad thing. I need to hear that and I need to get good enough to tell it to myself.
I played WoW with my guild last night and had an absolutely rotten time. The only thing that kept me there was that I had asked for what we did, and I knew if I rejected the opportunity to do it, that I wouldn't be taken seriously the next time I asked. So I stayed.
Anyways, in brief, there are four main rewards for doing instanced dungeons in WoW: experience, loot, quest completion, and fun. During the course of the evening, things shifted around so that I wasn't getting experience or getting to finish my quests, someone else in the guild ninjaed the item of armor I was practically promised (i.e. I was told "we're taking you here to get you some armor"), and I spent a lot of my own money for items that benefitted other people and wasn't even thanked. That wasn't actually the kicker, though.
The kicker was this. My guild uses TeamSpeak, a program that lets you voice chat. Almost everyone in the guild uses TS, and those who don't have a microphone will type their comments in the guild chat. However, if you're not able to hear TS, then you're not welcome in the conversation. So, during the entire event last night, everyone else was having a great time telling jokes and laughing, and even typing comments back and forth in guild chat-- but I got ignored even when I asked questions that I needed answers to (i.e. can I press "need" for this item? I actually do need it to make armor with), or they would SAY the answers in TS, where I couldn't hear them and Raven had to repeat what they said.
I've been trying really hard to cut the guild leader some slack, but when he's typing "raid broadcasts" that flash across the middle of the screen with jokes about how he's screwing my boyfriend, and that makes him too busy to answer my questions, it really makes me feel like a second-class citizen.
I guess I'm mad about that joke, too. It's one thing to joke with me about borrowing my guys, but it's quite another if you're mock-flirting with them and pretending I don't exist.
Anyways, the rundown: I didn't do anything wrong. What happened was BECAUSE of me-- because I can't hear very well-- but not hearing well is not something that I did that's bad, and I don't "deserve to be punished" for it. It may have been an oversight on the part of everyone else, too.
Where's the line on that, really? I feel like I go on and on about not being able to hear clearly, to the point that my anti-whining self-filter goes on-- but some people still don't know. I try to be matter of fact about it, but damn, it sounds like whining sometimes, or even nagging. It doesn't always interfere with my life; I can still have phonecalls with
dda for instance, but it's frustrating to have to ask him to repeat all the time, or end the conversation with sharp pain in my ear because I've been unconsciously squishing the phone closer and closer because I can't turn it up any louder. I wonder if there's a way to get a louder phone and test it out before I buy it.
What do you do when you've asked someone to help you compensate for something you can't do, and they blithely ignore it? How do you NOT think "what an insensitive asshole, I hope something awful happens to them and people don't help them so they'll understand and be SORRY!" I mean, really, how do you NOT think that?
Anyways, continuing the waa-theme, I've been thinking about the kiddo and homeschooling and that big topic that's coming up. I mean, puberty. We've covered some of the basics of the body, and modesty, and things like that, but...
Okay, backing up. I love my mother, I love her dearly, and I have faith that she did the best she knew how to do with me.
That said, I don't want to teach the kiddo the way my mom did. My mom waited for changes to start happening in my body and then explained them as they happened. That sounds okay, but I was a very quiet, private child and it meant that I had body hair for several months before my parents noticed-- and, of course, since they didn't notice it, I had no way of dealing with it other than to put on more clothes and hide it. Same thing for my chest-- I actually went to my mom and demanded a bra in 7th grade, because they were doing the scoliosis checks at school and that meant you had to pull your shirt up, and any girl without a bra was going to be teased forevermore. Of course, again, by the time my mom took me bra shopping, I was well out of the training bra range. She just hadn't noticed, again.
Fortunately, clues were had all around, and my mom explained the whole period thing to me and put the supplies where I could get to them (my parents and I had separate bathrooms and I wasn't allowed in their bedroom or bathroom), so when I woke up sick and cramping one morning, I could take something for it, get cleaned up, and tell her about it when she woke up. I wasn't happy about getting my period, but I was extremely glad that I finally had a tiny bit of control over my body.
The few times at home that I was up puking sick with cramps, my dad came down and sat with me. I suspect, but don't know, that he left the "explaining things" job up to my mom because I was a girl. I wonder why we have this whole culture where we expect girls to be too embarrassed to talk to their fathers (who, after all, slept with a woman who had periods at least once) but okay with talking to their mothers. I think all it does is spread the unconscious assumption that men don't know jack about periods.
Sometimes, I don't know how people manage to be friends with their parents; mine did such a brilliant job, and in some ways I'm still angry and upset with them for the few incidents in which we got upset at each other, or they took away something I desperately wanted, or they refused to allow me any dignity. I didn't want to be the one opening conversations with my parents about what my body was doing (really! I was raised in a non-nudist household; I've never seen my mother or father naked, and they haven't seen me naked since they stopped bathing me-- I learned that bodies are private), I wanted them to tell me "hey, this happens to everyone, here's some deodorant and razors" instead of making me feel like a freak for growing hair and smelling of sweat, because no one ever explained that it was going to happen, or when, or what to do about it.
So, yeah, my daughter's not going to be allowed to do certain things until I think the time is right. Those things will probably include wearing makeup and bikinis in public, and dating, and driving the car. On the other hand, she's going to grow up whether I ALLOW it or not-- and if I fail to recognize that, then I'm failing to allow her to pass through the big change of puberty-- the change where, instead of being a child whose parents care for your body, your parents help you care for your own body.
What I really want to do is two things. I want her to know what's going to happen to her body BEFORE it happens. This means that we'll be starting some lessons this summer, instead of waiting three years, or until she decides to share with me that her armpits have hair. Second, I want her to have a little bit of autonomy with regard to that-- I think I'm going to get her one of those neat bathroom case things, or a little fancy box, and give it to her for her own stuff. She shouldn't have to use the same kind of deodorant I do, or razors, and I'm not actually entirely sure that the cups I use are sized for small teenaged girls. We'll work that out when we get to it, though.
