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WARNING: I'm quoting a reply I made on Ravelry to a post involving infant loss. Synopsis of original post and my reply below cut.
Original post summary: My friend's infant died, and she was very sad. She noticed that new parents who take a baby home get a lot of giveaway stuff, but bereaved parents go home with nothing. So she started a group to support bereaved parents by knitting and crocheting little hats and booties and stuff for them to take home.
My response:
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We just had a thread on a similar topic in Remnants [another board on Ravelry] about a family who lost a baby and the baby’s mother. Please notice that quite a few of the people there feel that a gift of an item “to remember” is not comforting, because then you have to do something with it-- you may not want to display it, and getting rid of it later may make you feel guilty, but it may also be only tangentially connected to your loss.
I do think it’s sad that the parents of stillborn and very short-lived babies are “going home with nothing.” But the reason the other parents are going home with a ton of stuff is because they have babies who are going to use those things. The bereaved parents aren’t sad because they don’t have some free diapers and a binky. They won’t be made less sad if they get free diapers and a binky. They’re sad because they don’t have a baby who would use those things!
One of the unfortunate reactions that people sometimes have when they have to say something to bereaved parents is to express sympathy, but then say something to “cheer up” the statement by referring to the next baby they expect the parents to have. Baby items can be problematic here-- some people think unused baby items should be saved for a possible future baby, others think it’s upsetting and would prefer to donate items to a family in need. Mostly, people have a mix of the two ideas. Adding another baby item can be uncomfortable either way. Also, there may be an emotional difference between “I gave my daughter the blankie I originally bought for my son to have, but he was stillborn” and “I gave my daughter the blankie I was given because my son was stillborn.” A baby item given in a time of grief is not necessarily the same as one given in a time of hope and joy.
I’d really prefer to see something more based on the individuality of the baby that was lost. For instance, the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a volunteer photographer group that will take tasteful photos of the baby and family (with retouching or a limited view if necessary). Their website has some beautiful work, but don’t go there if you aren’t ready for a good cry. If photography isn’t an option, then what about something like the baby’s footprints on cardstock? What about a group that helps parents with finding tasteful announcement cards? Even if close family get told in person or over the phone, they might like a pretty card with the baby’s name and dates written in to keep.
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And I've been thinking about it since then; what else would be supportive and helpful? I think more people are starting to have small family services for infant loss, and if you've just had a baby, what are the chances that you have a suitable funeral outfit that fits? What are the chances that your older kids have something other than play clothes? I know it was hard to find a "serious dress" for the kid a few times. That'd be a nice thing to provide, too.
Anything else y'all can come up with? I might end up mentioning this around and seeing if there *is* something I can do to help...
Oh, also, I had a snarky-but-maybe-true thought: If what helped the OP's friend was starting a group to give items to other bereaved parents, then obviously what would help other bereaved parents the most would be starting a group!
Original post summary: My friend's infant died, and she was very sad. She noticed that new parents who take a baby home get a lot of giveaway stuff, but bereaved parents go home with nothing. So she started a group to support bereaved parents by knitting and crocheting little hats and booties and stuff for them to take home.
My response:
======================
We just had a thread on a similar topic in Remnants [another board on Ravelry] about a family who lost a baby and the baby’s mother. Please notice that quite a few of the people there feel that a gift of an item “to remember” is not comforting, because then you have to do something with it-- you may not want to display it, and getting rid of it later may make you feel guilty, but it may also be only tangentially connected to your loss.
I do think it’s sad that the parents of stillborn and very short-lived babies are “going home with nothing.” But the reason the other parents are going home with a ton of stuff is because they have babies who are going to use those things. The bereaved parents aren’t sad because they don’t have some free diapers and a binky. They won’t be made less sad if they get free diapers and a binky. They’re sad because they don’t have a baby who would use those things!
One of the unfortunate reactions that people sometimes have when they have to say something to bereaved parents is to express sympathy, but then say something to “cheer up” the statement by referring to the next baby they expect the parents to have. Baby items can be problematic here-- some people think unused baby items should be saved for a possible future baby, others think it’s upsetting and would prefer to donate items to a family in need. Mostly, people have a mix of the two ideas. Adding another baby item can be uncomfortable either way. Also, there may be an emotional difference between “I gave my daughter the blankie I originally bought for my son to have, but he was stillborn” and “I gave my daughter the blankie I was given because my son was stillborn.” A baby item given in a time of grief is not necessarily the same as one given in a time of hope and joy.
I’d really prefer to see something more based on the individuality of the baby that was lost. For instance, the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a volunteer photographer group that will take tasteful photos of the baby and family (with retouching or a limited view if necessary). Their website has some beautiful work, but don’t go there if you aren’t ready for a good cry. If photography isn’t an option, then what about something like the baby’s footprints on cardstock? What about a group that helps parents with finding tasteful announcement cards? Even if close family get told in person or over the phone, they might like a pretty card with the baby’s name and dates written in to keep.
=====================
And I've been thinking about it since then; what else would be supportive and helpful? I think more people are starting to have small family services for infant loss, and if you've just had a baby, what are the chances that you have a suitable funeral outfit that fits? What are the chances that your older kids have something other than play clothes? I know it was hard to find a "serious dress" for the kid a few times. That'd be a nice thing to provide, too.
Anything else y'all can come up with? I might end up mentioning this around and seeing if there *is* something I can do to help...
Oh, also, I had a snarky-but-maybe-true thought: If what helped the OP's friend was starting a group to give items to other bereaved parents, then obviously what would help other bereaved parents the most would be starting a group!
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 11:33 pm (UTC)From:You're added and permission granted likewise, of course.
As far as donating... I think knitting for preemies is lovely in general, but I'd be hesitant to donate something for a couple of specific reasons. First, "Sorry for your loss, I gave someone else a nice present" feels like saying that other people have more urgent needs, and my message should be more like "my friend, something terrible has happened to you and I want to console you by telling you I am sad for you."
But second, my personal opinion is that donating-in-memory is kind of ethically ambiguous. My reasoning goes something like this: if (generic) you cared about the cause before this happened, you probably would have already been donating. Now that something bad has happened, donating won't un-make this particular tragedy. The only reason you donate to this cause now is because you are now connected with a person affected by it. So, it's not that you suddenly became aware that this cause needed money-- the only change is in you. And you have to be careful that the newer, more-conscious you doesn't take over from the very people you're trying to honor or memorialize.
I've seen too many groups that started out as "to give people with X a place to talk" grow, and start welcoming "those supportive of people with X"... and at some point, the "supportive" people start taking over, and unless they are very careful, the group now becomes "patting yourselves on the back for being so damn supportive" and starts cutting out the very people the group was actually intended to be for! I do know that a lot of people who knit for preemies and stillborns have themselves had a preemie or lost a child, and I worry that if I were to encourage in general "knit something and donate it" that the real grief-and-healing of the actual bereaved parents who do those things would be swallowed up in "my friend lost a baby and it was OMG so sad" stories.
Sorry for the over-serious reply, but
no subject
Date: 2011-11-06 11:35 pm (UTC)From: