![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
So, the burning question of the century seems to be, on dating sites:
(Men:) "Why won't women write me back?"
So, here's my take on the answers to that question.
First, the answers that have to do with her:
1. She hasn't seen the message yet, or felt like replying.
2. She no longer wants to reply to any messages-- she's dating someone now or no longer wants to date.
3. She doesn't feel obligated to reply to messages.
On the one hand, why *should* she feel obligated to reply to an unsolicited message? On the other hand, isn't she soliciting messages simply by having a profile on a dating site?
But on the gripping hand, if she's soliciting messages for the purpose of meeting someone to date, then it follows that if any specific message seems NOT likely to put her further along the road of meeting someone to date, she's not obligated to respond to it even though in a broader sense she did solicit the message.
So let's talk about "meeting someone to date." Often, people include in their profile a description of what they're looking for in a date, something like this: "I'd like to meet a guy who can drive us around for a night of dancing; eventually I'd like to get married and have kids." Look carefully-- there are at least five different requirements there! (car, license, likes to dance/can dance, seeking marriage, seeking kids).
So, if you don't meet the requirements, and you message her, even by the logic of "she's here to meet someone to date and to be messaged by them" you are NOT someone she'd date, thus she's not obligated to respond to you even out of politeness. Your message is, in other words, spam.
That sad prospect aside, what if one DOES meet the list given in the profile?
The thing is, there are two different lists. There's the public list, and the private list. Why? Well, let me tell you what's on my list.
Public list:
*Must be okay with my seeing other people permanently.
*Must be okay with my being into "alternative sexuality."
*Helps to be shorter.
*Older and/or balding a plus.
*MUST be smart.
Now, the private list:
*Must not be a drama-queen (someone who creates drama to draw attention to themselves).
*Must be attractive to me physically/emotionally. (This includes both "cute" and "safe".)
*Must not seem overly possessive.
*Must be able to understand and comply with the word "no."
Now, there's a difference between the two lists-- on the first list, either it's a very objective thing (are you older than me? Yes or no) or it's something where either answer is emotionally equal. Either you'd prefer a monogamous date, or you'd date someone who's poly-- neither makes you a "better" person.
On the other hand, the private list is composed of questions where one answer is obviously "nicer"-- everyone would prefer to be good-looking, understanding, a good listener, and tolerant of changes, rather than the opposite! So, if I ask someone flat out if they fit my criteria, of course they'll say they do, if only because they delude themselves into thinking they're "nice guys" or otherwise good people. No one wants to think of themselves as a whiny bitch, after all.
So, there's only one realistic way to judge for myself whether someone meets all my criteria, and that's to figure it out without directly asking them the questions. What do I use to figure out my answers? I may read the person's profile, the message that they sent me, or ask them some different questions in a reply.
For example, when I state, "[Activity X] is considered risky because if you have [condition Y] it can kill you, and not everyone who has condition Y knows it-- I DO have condition Y, and thus I refuse to EVER do activity X*" and the person responds "Oh, I'll be careful" they've just flunked out three times. (Refusal to listen to no. Unattractive in bed. And stupid.)
So, even if someone meets all my stated criteria, I may still reject them if something they say makes me think they're otherwise unacceptable as a date. If the person seems reasonably cool as a friend, we'll keep talking; opinions may change, and I may come to see them as more attractive, or as having given the wrong impression before in their answers to me. The only thing that makes me say no forever to someone who seems okay as a friend is if the person seems to be unable to understand when I say "stop calling me that endearment" or "I reserve physical meetings for people I'm dating, and I'm not really interested in meeting you for dinner."
And for the record, some clear "definitely not"s from profiles--
"I'm open, you can ask me anything." If your profile's mostly blank, then you haven't even answered the very general, easy questions the profile asks; why should a date have to ask you questions and wait for you to type the answers? Besides, this is sometimes a sign of someone who "tailors" the answers to the person asking and what it seems they want to hear.
For the love of all things holy, spell-check your profile. One or two typos is fine; one per sentence makes you look sloppy and stupid.
Brief is okay, as long as it tells something that not many other profiles will-- one of the cutest profiles I saw today, under "I'm really good at:" listed: "backing a trailer." Now that's a skill, ladies and gentlemen, and I hope that guy (who also likes car racing, sports, and country music) finds the husband he deserves.
*Activity X, by the way, is electrical play (especially above the waist); condition Y is heart problems.
(Men:) "Why won't women write me back?"
So, here's my take on the answers to that question.
First, the answers that have to do with her:
1. She hasn't seen the message yet, or felt like replying.
2. She no longer wants to reply to any messages-- she's dating someone now or no longer wants to date.
3. She doesn't feel obligated to reply to messages.
On the one hand, why *should* she feel obligated to reply to an unsolicited message? On the other hand, isn't she soliciting messages simply by having a profile on a dating site?
But on the gripping hand, if she's soliciting messages for the purpose of meeting someone to date, then it follows that if any specific message seems NOT likely to put her further along the road of meeting someone to date, she's not obligated to respond to it even though in a broader sense she did solicit the message.
So let's talk about "meeting someone to date." Often, people include in their profile a description of what they're looking for in a date, something like this: "I'd like to meet a guy who can drive us around for a night of dancing; eventually I'd like to get married and have kids." Look carefully-- there are at least five different requirements there! (car, license, likes to dance/can dance, seeking marriage, seeking kids).
So, if you don't meet the requirements, and you message her, even by the logic of "she's here to meet someone to date and to be messaged by them" you are NOT someone she'd date, thus she's not obligated to respond to you even out of politeness. Your message is, in other words, spam.
That sad prospect aside, what if one DOES meet the list given in the profile?
The thing is, there are two different lists. There's the public list, and the private list. Why? Well, let me tell you what's on my list.
Public list:
*Must be okay with my seeing other people permanently.
*Must be okay with my being into "alternative sexuality."
*Helps to be shorter.
*Older and/or balding a plus.
*MUST be smart.
Now, the private list:
*Must not be a drama-queen (someone who creates drama to draw attention to themselves).
*Must be attractive to me physically/emotionally. (This includes both "cute" and "safe".)
*Must not seem overly possessive.
*Must be able to understand and comply with the word "no."
Now, there's a difference between the two lists-- on the first list, either it's a very objective thing (are you older than me? Yes or no) or it's something where either answer is emotionally equal. Either you'd prefer a monogamous date, or you'd date someone who's poly-- neither makes you a "better" person.
On the other hand, the private list is composed of questions where one answer is obviously "nicer"-- everyone would prefer to be good-looking, understanding, a good listener, and tolerant of changes, rather than the opposite! So, if I ask someone flat out if they fit my criteria, of course they'll say they do, if only because they delude themselves into thinking they're "nice guys" or otherwise good people. No one wants to think of themselves as a whiny bitch, after all.
So, there's only one realistic way to judge for myself whether someone meets all my criteria, and that's to figure it out without directly asking them the questions. What do I use to figure out my answers? I may read the person's profile, the message that they sent me, or ask them some different questions in a reply.
For example, when I state, "[Activity X] is considered risky because if you have [condition Y] it can kill you, and not everyone who has condition Y knows it-- I DO have condition Y, and thus I refuse to EVER do activity X*" and the person responds "Oh, I'll be careful" they've just flunked out three times. (Refusal to listen to no. Unattractive in bed. And stupid.)
So, even if someone meets all my stated criteria, I may still reject them if something they say makes me think they're otherwise unacceptable as a date. If the person seems reasonably cool as a friend, we'll keep talking; opinions may change, and I may come to see them as more attractive, or as having given the wrong impression before in their answers to me. The only thing that makes me say no forever to someone who seems okay as a friend is if the person seems to be unable to understand when I say "stop calling me that endearment" or "I reserve physical meetings for people I'm dating, and I'm not really interested in meeting you for dinner."
And for the record, some clear "definitely not"s from profiles--
"I'm open, you can ask me anything." If your profile's mostly blank, then you haven't even answered the very general, easy questions the profile asks; why should a date have to ask you questions and wait for you to type the answers? Besides, this is sometimes a sign of someone who "tailors" the answers to the person asking and what it seems they want to hear.
For the love of all things holy, spell-check your profile. One or two typos is fine; one per sentence makes you look sloppy and stupid.
Brief is okay, as long as it tells something that not many other profiles will-- one of the cutest profiles I saw today, under "I'm really good at:" listed: "backing a trailer." Now that's a skill, ladies and gentlemen, and I hope that guy (who also likes car racing, sports, and country music) finds the husband he deserves.
*Activity X, by the way, is electrical play (especially above the waist); condition Y is heart problems.
