You're being really creepy. (OKCupid)

[corrvin]

Dear random_guy on OKCupid,

I suspected after a very short time conversing with you that you'd joined OKCupid because you're not terribly socially adept, and you're hoping that the online venue might mask enough of that to get you a date.

I support your endeavor, but unfortunately you seem to be missing a vital concept, which is how not to set off alarms in a smart woman's brain. Permit me to explain: You don't take no for an answer. You call me "mean" and "rude" for telling you no in ever-more-increasing detail when you ask for three kinds of personal information in a row. Now, it doesn't bother me to explain that some things about me ARE personal and private, and the same things might not be for other people-- and why, which is a fascinating topic in and of itself-- but when you act irritated and resentful at being told "no"-- and continue to ask as if my saying no doesn't make a difference to you-- it sets off warning klaxons in my head. Here's why.

See, there are two (possibly more, but mainly two) things that stop people from all being evil wicked abusive rapists. One is that most people have a certain sense of empathy, and will try to treat someone in a way that makes them comfortable and not pressured, both because it's a decent thing to do and also because it tends to get you lots more things (like sex and affection). The second is that pressuring people into sex or smacking them around when they don't do what you want is illegal and will get you arrested, which leads to all sorts of expensive, nasty consequences.

Now, almost everyone out there, even the ones who don't have a moral objection to doing certain things which are against the law (say, speeding) will avoid illegal behavior because of that second motivation. I don't have any professional education or even experience in the field, but it seems reasonable to hypothesize that there are a whole lot of people out there who are, let's say, lacking in empathy or understanding of other human beings as people, and yet most of these people don't end up as serial killers because they have a self-imposed code of "don't do things that get you arrested and thrown in prison because the consequences are terrible." The possible draw of doing the illegal things (bank robbery, rape, shooting the guy who cuts you off in traffic) is balanced out by the intellectual knowledge that it'd be a Very Bad Idea. It's not just sociopaths who lack this sense of empathy-- it's some people with the autism spectrum of disorders, and a few other things. Not all of them are evil and many of them live fine productive lives without ever doing anything worse than getting a parking ticket.

With saying that, you can now see that I'm not characterizing you as a future or potential rapist. I'm sure that you wouldn't rape someone simply for the joy of doing it, because you rationally know that the consequences would be terrible. However, if you demonstrate that you're lacking in the empathy, or moral sense, or whatever you want to call it-- that thing that makes you feel bad about making someone uncomfortable with pressuring-- then the only thing that stops you from rape is the idea that you'll be caught and punished.

So, what do you do about it? Well, sadly, I'm not sure that this sort of thing can be fixed-- I'm not sure that someone who lacks this sense will ever "grow it." On the other hand, are people miserable from this lack, or are they miserable because they're alone and lonely and humans aren't meant to be that way? (As someone once said about a totally different condition, if a man with no arms is dying of thirst in a room with a faucet, he may know that he can't turn it, but he's still going to strain toward it because he wants it.) I think it's more the second.

So, is it humane to teach some sort of rudiments of empathic behavior to folks who are lacking here, so that they can form relationships with those who have enough empathy for two and are willing to tolerate someone who "needs to look up the rules"? Or is it dangerous because this only allows them to more closely impersonate people with "real moral sense" and get into situations where they may find themselves tempted beyond their ability to resist?

It's a good question and one I'm willing to contemplate, intellectually. Sadly for our correspondent last night, though, I'm not always willing to work with someone's behavior once it passes a certain level of my tolerance.