Re-posting a response from Ravelry.

[corrvin]

In one of the fora I read on Ravelry, someone posted seeking ways to support her depressed husband while still taking care of herself.

A comment on this thread was from someone highly advocating "get him outside and moving for a while every day." And here's my response:

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I understand what you’re saying, but let me share this in return. When I’m really seriously depressed, it hits my energy levels like having the flu, or mono. Now, exercising when I am not majorly down is good stuff, it makes me feel good, makes me strong and healthy. And it helps me recover more quickly from bouts of depression because I have more physical reserves.

But when I’m depressed, getting out of bed and into the shower is an ordeal, usually followed by a nap. Going downstairs and microwaving food is a struggle; I keep breakfast bars next to the bed and a giant bottle of water for the times when I can’t cope with that. If I don’t have the energy to take a shower and feed myself AND get dressed, walking even around the yard is just not going to be on the to-do list. When I feel better, I do start exercising again, but that’s an effect, not a cause.

Many of the things people think a depressed person should do are really good advice in general (eat balanced meals, get your vitamins, exercise, etc) but you know that even non-depressed people don’t do those things all the time. And when someone advises a depressed person to do those things, it sometimes comes across not as good advice for everyone, but as ”It’s your fault you’re depressed right now because you don’t exercise, eat right every meal, take vitamins, wash your hair in SLS-free shampoo¹, wear only natural fibers, watch your blood pressure, get a mammogram at 40, and drink this special tea that my friend’s hairdresser swears by.” Nobody could do everything their friends think is healthy, even if they felt great and had nothing to do but take care of themselves every day.

So, yes, good advice for everyone, but specifically for depressed people, not so much.

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And we won't go into the responses to the post, except that I think I proved my point by who disagreed with me and why and how they did so. Heh. Also, if you're my friend and worry that you may have overstepped the line, I would have told you about it, you haven't. Friends can share where strangers should really shush up.

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¹SLS= Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, alleged to cause cancer or other health issues, and debunked here on Snopes.

Comments

[seryn]

Most people do generally believe if you're depressed it's your fault. "Mental illness is something that only happens to people who are too lazy or pathetic." And certainly there are things one can do to increase one's personal resources (emotional and physical), but no one says people who lost most of their money in a stock market crash should have stuffed $5 under their mattress per day just in case. Being depressed is more like the stock market crashing, it's not something you do to yourself, it's something that happens to you and you have to live with the dregs that remain. But unlike the stock market, there aren't millions of other people who are experiencing the same decline. It's just the one person whose world has imploded.

Eating right, getting outside, exercising, making friends, having a hobby, pets/children, being invested in your community, being financially stable... these things all help maintain emotional and mental stability. But they cannot create that stability.

I also believe that if you have frequent bouts of instability to the point where you cannot get out of bed, then you need to see a doctor immediately because that's not healthy.

I read that a lot of people are temporarily depressed because they are unemployed. Those people really are helped by establishing a routine that includes being outside and eating healthy meals and finding companionship. Because they're not biochemically distressed inherently. They're reacting to a bad situation. When the situation improves, they will improve as long as they've not damaged themselves in the interim.

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I didn't know SLS was rumored to cause cancer. I just find that the extra-sudsy shampoos make my scalp too itchy.

[herlander_refugee]

Thank you for such a reasoned response. As one who likewise suffers depression, just getting up, brushing teeth and doing a minimum of normal life maintaining activities can be trial enough.

I think folks who have never had depression hit like a duffle bag dropped from the 10th floor can't grasp this at all.

[corrvin]

I don't think it's just depression; we (as a society) don't really have a lot of talking or teaching about how to interact with people who can't currently handle a full-on blast of unvarnished, long-range truth.

We have a vestigal remnant of it in our formal responses to hearing of a friend's family member's passing: "I'm sorry to hear that." While it's true that our friend's sadness will decrease over time, we still know better than to say "You'll get over it." At least, in that case we do. Depression, not so much.

I do pretty okay most days. And I have friends who are proud of me when I have good days and get everything accomplished, even if my list of accomplishments starts with "got out of bed, took a shower, and ate a good meal."

[herlander_refugee]

I think you are correct, and I wonder what it is that seems to make us so seemingly knee-jerk? Overall, as a nation and a culture, we seem to value forward movement (even in the wrong direction) over any sort of time-consuming examination of the actual situation.

It is more than mere impatience, I think; it is a fear of looking deeper than the surface. It appears to make it difficult for people to respond in more than simple platitudes, even when they have a desire to do so. Is it that there is a fear of true compassion---as the actual mingling, sharing of pain or joy?

Are we all become so fragile that we can't step into the stream of a friend's life to experience it as it actually IS? Or is it a stigma against depression as "something wrong" and some don't want to admit that something SO wrong could be so widespread?

Personally, I get furious and tired at once over having anything I say branded as "Oh, that's just cause you are depressed." even when it seriously is NOT that. And yet, simultaneously, while dismissing something important to me I am told to "buck up" and "let it go" when I AM in fact sunk in depression.

It's as if they want to have their 'pie' AND throw it in my face in normal mode.

[shan68ok]

The only thing I can think to add is that there ARE millions of depressed people out there. As for the people who tell you to buck up, pull yourself up by the boot straps, etc...my mother, a licensed nurse doesn't even get that biochemical depression is no different than diabetes, hypo or hyper-thyroidism, or any other physical disease.

Dr. Sapolsy of Stanford University has an amazing lecture of the realities of depression, unfortunately my mom couldn't hear him...gah. Here's the youtube link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc